-Be sure to lock the door. -l'll lock it.
Hi, there. Go on in.
-Hi, Ms. Morgan. -Oh, Alvin. l should have called you.
The kids are having a party. lt's in full swing.
That's okay. l can still clean the pool. They won't be in my way.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay. lt's about time you made it, man.
Talking all that garbage in school.
That's you, baby. What? What?
Look at you.
There you are.
You know, l've been looking all over for you.
Come here!
Mama's little baby.
Thank you so much for watching over the grill.
-No problem. -Yeah, thanks.
Forget it, man. Chicks like Paris don't date outside the NBA.
Swim lessons, boy!
All wet.
You need some Floaties.
Get that garbage out of the pool!
Let me give you a tip, punk.
Next time you wanna crash a party...
-...don't fall in the pool. -He's the pool boy, Ted.
lf he was in the pool, it was for a reason, l'm sure.
Well, it's more technical than you think. See, l was just--
Anyhoo! Come on, man.
-Let's get out of here. -Thinks he's on the swim team or something.
Can you believe she had the nerve to ask me what it was like being with him?
l was like, "Oh, my God."
Hello? Right now?
Dru's on TV!
A year ago, he was going to his prom.
He had his corsage and that old-school frilly shirt.
Now he's living pro-baller style. One hell of a jump.
-Why did you bring up the corsage? -Because we all did it.
I bet your peoples on the West Coast miss you.
-You probably got a girl there. -Oh, my God.
I have a job. I play professional basketball. That's what I do.
Otherwise, you know how it is, Stu. I'm a free agent.
All right. Officially, he is a member of the NBA.
Let's go back to SportsCenter.
Free agent? Free agent?
Paged him.
l'll see you in homeroom, all right?
Yo. How you guys doing?
-Did you see the update on the GM website? -What update?
Some guy in Kentucky boosted his power-to-weight ratio by 10 percent.
You have the best design. New York guy gave up.
The Kentucky guy is desperate. Don't worry about it.
Except durability. And power-to-weight.
That's where the new camshaft comes in.
lt's lighter and stronger at the same time.
You're one of the three finalists, Alvin. You're the man!
Hey.
We're only discussing you getting a full-ride, four-year scholarship--
She's like a Frappuccino with hips.
-lt's like they all saw the interview. -They did. lt was on SportsCenter.
Grande Mocha Brownie Frappuccino.
With mint hot fudge and mint whipped cream.
Dream on.
Clearly, Alvin's not masturbating enough.
Thank God l don't have that problem. All right, holler at your people, now.
-l'm not touching that. -l don't want to.
l don't want to.
Yvonne's right. Act like he called with a good explanation.
He better call, and he better have a good explanation. Look at me.
Look at them. Not a care in the world.
lf they catch you staring, they'll send the jocks to kick our asses.
No, they won't.
-We're invisible. -lnvisible?
Not "invisible" invisible. Just invisible to them.
We'd be visible if we'd walk down that hallway.
Why can't we walk down that hallway? lt's a hallway.
ln that community, we're immigrants without green cards.
What? Boy, l got on high fashion just like them. Check this out.
A fake label from the lnternet stuck on some Wranglers. Very high fashion.
-Man, watch this. -Walter.
-Hey, Walter. -Walter, no!
Hell, son, you in the wrong hall, man!
l mean, l'll get you, there. l breaks it down.
Yeah. Hey, girl.
You like how l do that?
Yo, man!
-Y'all busters stinking up our hallway again? -No, no, dudes. lt's cool, bro.
Look. Check this.
Oh, what's up with that, Ted?
ls that the gay surrender? You a homo thug? Man, l ought to kick your ass!
Punk.
Stay out of here.
l got on Sean Johns. l'm gonna make me some Phat Farms.
-No, l mean, buy some. -Don't come down this hallway again!
No, man. No, man. We can't be having that.
lt sounded great.
After you win, we should drop this in the Galaxie.
lf l win.
No offense, but this baby's going with me.
Keep it in my dorm room. Until l get a car.
No "if." When you win, man.
l sure hope l win.
lt'd be a nice change.
Tired of people calling us losers.
-Who says we're losers? -What's the matter with you?
Being depressed and cynical is my job.
Man...
...we're about to graduate soon.
We never go on dates.
Never go to any dances.
We have no memories.
l mean, we're settling.
And they're not.
Clarence! Dinner's ready!
Can you turn off that music, please?
Turn off the music like you been turning off your loving.
Alvin, honey, turn that game off. Come on, time to eat.
Aretha, come on, honey, time to eat. Let's go.
Gracious God.
So...
-...Alvin, got a date tonight? -Dad, you're in denial.
Shut up, you Bride of Chucky-looking extraterrestrial--
That's not even funny, stupid.
Well, Alvin, what do you have planned for tonight, boy?
l'm gonna do some work on the computer.
All the schematics have to be coded in HTML for the GM website.
Then me and the guys will bust out some Xbox.
See that? Your son's a healthy, heterosexual dork.
-Shut up, Lil' Kim in training! -Both of you, hush now.
Why you always blaming me?
Go straight to the auto yard when you get that part.
l don't like you walking with that much cash.
-Why not? How much is it? -$ 1500.
$ 1500?
My boy got $ 1500 cleaning swimming pools?
Yeah, and he collected it in genuine currency, not lOUs or food stamps.
Hold on, now.
Food stamps just like money.
-Try to buy school clothes with them. -Watch yourself.
Look, son.
Your mama right. You know, we proud of you.
Work on your little engine and your little school stuff and all that...
...but listen to me, son. All that working like that without no loving?
That drive a man crazy.
You hear about students in China, all jumping out windows...
...because they be under so much pressure. You know why they jump?
They ain't got enough singing, and ain't enough loving over there.
You ever heard a Chinese love song?
How many Chinese people over there? Give me a figure. About 25--?
What, about 30 billion of them?
30 billion people ain't got a one Barry White.
Ever seen a big old fat, black, Chinese Barry White man? Any of them?
Hell, no, ain't gonna see one either.
Dad, l hear you on the whole dating thing.
-But sometimes you wanna hang out-- -Let me tell you something.
-Clarence! -Oh, shut up.
Don't worry, honey, he'll call.
Speaking of calling, my cell phone doesn't work at the resort...
-...so if you need me, call the resort. -l know, number's on the fridge.
You know what? l'll just be a second. l forgot to put the car in the garage.
-Can't leave my Escalade-- -You're killing me.
Come on, sweetie.
Mom, go!
-l'll put it in for you. -Okay.
Park it and leave it.
Don't even think about cruising around with your friends, thinking you're cute.
-l mean it. You are not on my insurance. -Mom, stop!
Look, you give yourself no credit.
-You ain't no fool-maker. -She's right, and we're late.
-Love you. -Love you too.
Don't worry, honey, he will call on one of those phones.
-l'm balling. -Girl, your mama's wheels are tight.
Take your time. Give everyone a chance to envy.
-Paris is rolling! -Yo, that's hot!
-lt's Dru. -This is perfect.
Stay on the phone with him while we drive up.
-Too bad we don't have a speaker. -Do l mention the interview?
Hell, yeah, you mention the damn interview, girl.
-Just be cool. -And sweet.
No, sweet is weak, Zoe.
-He can't see you through the phone! -Just answer it.
-Hello, Dru? -Who's your boo, baby?
You're my boo, baby, but why did you have to go and dis me?
Why you sweating me? Come on. Who loves you?
Dru loves you. Never stop, never will stop.
Don't hate the player, baby. Hate the game.
Hey, this looks pretty cool. Hopefully, Russell Simmons doesn't kick your ass.
-Wait until the whole car looks like that. -Then all the girls will notice us? No.
At least with the Phat Farm, we'll get some phat booties to rub on. Talk to you!
l hate y'all, man.
Man, l'm telling you, we'll roll up in this car...
...everybody's head's gonna be turning.
-So, baby, really, it was just publicity? -Yeah, girl.
Hey, hold on, okay? Hold on.
He's got me on hold.
Feel like popping a cork, sugar?
-Who's that? -Who's who?
The limo driver popped a tire. l gotta go.
Oh, no, you don't. Then say my name.
-Better say it. -Say my name!
You better say my name. He didn't say it.
What do you mean, he didn't say it?
-He didn't say my name! -Look out!
Oh, she done messed the ride!
-Yo, l got an uncle that could fix that, baby! -Better get Maaco!
OnStar emergency.
l'll stand anywhere, baby.
-Is there an emergency in your vehicle? -Do you know how much that will cost?
-$3000? -And about two weeks in terms of labor.
l'm a little backed up.
Can we figure out some kind of payment schedule?
Yeah, sure. Here's what we can do. You give me 300 now...
...and come back two weeks from Monday with 2700.
And that's cash on delivery, not check on delivery.
That doesn't make sense.
l just said, my mom's gonna be back on Monday!
-ln two weeks, l'll be dead! -Don't worry about it, honey.
Kids crash cars all the time. That's why people get insurance.
You're not on your mom's insurance, are you?
l'm dead.
Hey, Alvin! lt's in.
You gotta check this out.
lt's amazing how light this is.
lt's hard to believe it's a camshaft.
You know her?
-That's Paris Morgan. -Will you explain to her...
...that two weeks and 3 grand is the best she can hope for?
Too bad her mama's coming home on Monday.
Out of that 3 grand...
-...how much is in parts? -l don't know. About 1500. Why?
l'll be right back.
Paris?
-Alan? -Alvin.
You do our pool, right?
Yeah. You know...
...Ben's quoting you a really fair price.
That's what l figured.
l'm dead.
Not necessarily.
-What? -l can have it done by Monday.
-You can do it? -The parts are only $ 1500.
-l can have the labor done by this weekend. -But l don't have $ 1500.
l do.
Let's back up here.
Now, you're saying you're willing to fix this car...
-...this weekend and pay for the parts? -Yeah.
That's what I'm saying. Exactly.
And what exactly do you want in return?
-What, you think l'm some cheap ho? -Wait. This has nothing to do with sex.
You don't have to do anything.
Just pretend.
Pretend to be my girlfriend for a couple of months.
So you think that you can buy me for $ 1500?
No, no, no. Not buy you, just rent you.
Did l mention this has nothing to do with sex?
Why would you want people to think that l'm your girl?
lt would make me popular.
All right. One week.
l'm your girl for one week.
It has to be...
...a month.
-Two weeks! That's my final answer. -Okay, two weeks. Perfect.
-And you better not even think about sex. -Yeah, yeah. Got it, got it.
-And don't even look at my booty. -Right. No booty licking.
l mean, looking.
This is a sworn secret, right?
You can't tell anyone about our deal. Promise?
This is one thing I can guarantee I will never admit to anyone.
Pinky swear?
You're not late.
My dad says all women are 15 minutes late--
You know what? Zip your mouth.
Do you own an iron?
-Come here. Let me fix this. -All right.
All right.
-Sorry. -The pressure, the pressure.
Sorry, sorry. l'm really ready to go now.
Hold on.
Put this on.
Whoa! Real Sean John!
All right!
This rocks!
-Okay, Alan, let's do this. -Actually, Alvin.
Like Al Green, because my sister is actually named Aretha.
Whatever.
Yo, grinder, go home!
-Why is he in our hallway? -Just be cool.
-Wrong hall, cornball. -Come on, boy.
Bozo's lost again.
Girl, you are tripping.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, guys. You guys know Al, right?
Why is Tito Jackson here?
Come here, girl. We gotta talk.
-Why is he rolling with you? -Look, we're friends, all right?
l'm just hanging with him. Okay?
No, we're friends. Have you lost your mind? Look at him.
He looks like a buggawuf. lt's gonna ruin your reputation.
Hello? l'm the one hanging with him, not you guys.
Okay, but as the old saying goes:
"Tell me who your friends are, and l'll tell you who you are."
Well, as the new saying goes:
"Tell me who your friends are, Yvonne, and l'll tell you who you wanna be."
-No, she didn't. -Oh, yes, l did.
Hurry up.
Alvin, did you twist your ankle or something?
No. l'm just walking.
Nice job sewing on that Sean John label, buddy. Let me see that.
Wait a minute. ls this real? Real Sean John?
-Where did you get this? -Paris Morgan. She let me borrow it.
Give it back!
Paris Morgan?
You expect us to believe she lent you a sweatshirt?
Why is that so hard to believe?
Because it would imply that she would speak to you.
Not only did she speak to me, we walked together. Lingered.
We even had small conversation.
Paris Morgan had this actual sweatshirt on her actual body?
-Yeah. -Let me smell it one more time.
Don't be that way, brother!
That's a nice scent. Wait, it's on fire!
-Hose it down! -Put it out!
-Turn the water on. -What's going on, Mr. Johnson?
Okay, it's out!
-"Sean Jo." -Could be Asian.
Sean Jo.
-Smell like burnt Paris Morgan now. -That's how hot she is.
That was a good one.
Okay, okay. Ladies, look and learn.
Keep it gangster!
-Now, what do you call that? -High maintenance.
Dang, Ted. Didn't realize you were so talented.
Yo, Paris, you're the one who went to the Halle Berry School for Driving.
-Yeah, how you gonna fix that? -lt's already fixed.
Oh, come on, Ted.
When homegirl is all quiet and humble about it...
...it's because her rich and famous boo, Mr. Dru...
...paid for all that to be corrected immediately.
What's he gonna think when he finds out...
...you're volunteering for special ed, rolling with that retard, Alvin?
You're the last person to be commenting on someone's mental health, Kadeem.
He's a grinder, not a retard.
But on the real, Paris, he carries a pool net around town, on a motorized scooter.
You know, l don't believe l granted an interview today.
Hey. Hey, look.
-lt doesn't add up. lt doesn't make sense. -He cleans her pool.
l wanna clean pools. Get to hang out with Paris Morgan.
l'll clean the bathtub too.
Yo, check this out, man.
Losers sit over there, to the left.
You feel me?
Then l guess you'll be making a right. That's the asshole section, Ted.
You know what? l think l'm gonna go get some dessert.
You know, the Butterfingers in the vending machine rock.
You know, y'all don't have to be so rude, staring at him like that.
Why are you with him?
l'm rolling with Al because l'm with him, okay?
Yeah.
There you are. Come on, let's bounce.
There's a game tonight, so scoop me up at 6:30?
l will be scooping you like Chunky Monkey.
Slide, hit six...
...and kick.
Pull. Land low.
All right. Now shake it out.
Shake it out. Good job, y'all.
-All right. Ready to have a good time? -Give me my tape.
lt's not your tape. lt's Dad's tape. Take your Wonderbra and get out.
And why would you need it anyway? You know you'll never get to use it.
Oh, yeah? Well, guess what.
-Thank you. -Mom? Alvin's taking drugs.
He's hallucinating. He actually thinks he has a date tonight.
-Why can't he? -With Paris Morgan?
The most beautiful girl at school? Dad, you bugging.
-What that supposed to mean? -Look at him.
Where's the iron?
lt's under the sink. Are you feeling okay, honey?
Mom, l'm great.
See that? Drugs.
-Do you think maybe l should--? -No. Look here. Let me handle this here.
He probably just needs a good talking to, that's all.
Take it low.
-Son? Come out and talk to your father. -Shake it out.
Shake it out. Good. Have fun with it. Take it to the side.
Take it low. Do what you wanna do. It's the shake-off.
Come on, take a seat.
Come on. Gotta get your sea legs. Might wanna get yourself a waterbed one day.
There ain't a woman born that can resist...
...the motion...
...of the ocean.
Dad, l gotta iron my clothes.
No, no, no. Don't worry about that.
Because nothing right now can rob me...
...of this rite of passage between the father and his son.
Me and you right now, it's big.
And kick.
Jump, jump. And mambo.
Now kick him in the nuts, girl. Kick him in the face. And punch.
Chop, chop.
This here, son...
...is your hope chest.
This is my legacy to you.
A hope chest?
They come in all different sizes and colors.
Let me talk to you, son.
This right here, son-- Look at me, boy. Watch this here.
This is the Trojan ribbed, lubricated. Sturdy, reliable, dependable. Like a truck.
When you don't really know what you into, and it get a little rough for you...
...makes you downshift.
This one here, son....
This is the super-size...
...Magnum majestic.
The prophylactic Cadillac.
Oh, yeah.
This is when you find yourself and you're there.
You done got so comfortable with yourself you done built up a reputation.
You feel me?
And this one here, son, be extra careful...
...because that's Mr. Little Extra Sensitive.
You really don't need this, especially on the first round.
You'll enjoy the ride too much, end up on the curb somewhere out of commission.
You don't want that. Save this for round three.
Because believe me, there's gonna be a round three.
Look at me. Feel me.
All right, now, look strong. Come on, son.
Close your mouth. There you go.
Keep it tight. Work with it.
Love you, man.
--seven eight, and chop, chop.
And mambo. Lucy Liu!
Now kick him in the nuts, girl. Kick him in the face. And punch.
Chop, chop. Yeah. Mambo.
Lucy Liu, now. Kick him in the back, the face.
Punch. Chop, chop. Mambo.
Lucy Liu. Now kick him in the nuts, girl. Kick him in the face. Step, punch.
Girl, you know better than that.
You better put that chicken wing down, okay?
I see you, girl. Five, six, seven, eight, down.
And wiggle.
And shimmy.
And five and six and....
Touch yourself, come on.
Hold me tight. Yes.
Oh, hell, no.
-Hey, fellas, how you doing? -Hey, Mr. Johnson. What's going on?
Look, l got a bit of bad news for you.
lt seems like Alvin done moved. He don't stay here no more.
This has ceased to be funny.
Hey, ain't nobody playing with you, now.
Listen to me. l know you been friends with Alvin since first grade...
...but Alvin dating a girl now.
He don't need to be hanging around y'all scientific-looking ass...
...no more.
Stop all that, now.
-Y'all take it easy, okay? -Come on, Mr. Johnson!
Get your big, wide ass off the door.
You gonna mess around, and l'm gonna get my Roto-Rooter and stick it--
-Come on in! -All right, yeah. Exactly. Let me in.
Alvin, your dad's funny.
So, what's going on?
l'm not asking him.
Okay, look, well, we always sit together at the games in the visitors section, and....
Well, are you going to sit with us...
...or in the home seats with the popular kids?
Yeah, see, we were thinking that we'd sit in the home section with you...
...so you could introduce us to Paris Morgan.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-Of course you can! -All right!
So did you and Paris, you know, do it?
-Do what? -lt! lt, it, it! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
Sorry, guys.
l'm not telling.
Dogpile!
These are for you.
They're Arabian roses.
Alvin, that's so sweet, but you shouldn't have.
Girls see a guy being too nice...
...and it makes him seem lonely, desperate, weak.
-Right, right. l should write this down. -No.
Look, just be a little tougher. You know? Make like you don't need me.
Like you don't need any girl.
Then girls will want you.
-Okay? -Okay.
But the flowers, they're nice.
Look, l'll go put them in water, and then we'll go to the game, all right?
You stay right there. Okay?
Basket!
Assist, Sanders!
-Sit down, clowns! -Dumb-asses!
Sit down, Q-Tip!
Jackrabbits! Jackrabbits! Jackrabbits! Jackrabbits!
-Hi, Paris! -Hi, Paris!
-Come on.
All right, guys, that's enough.
She's working. Leave her alone.
What a wankster.
And now, the Jackrabbit drill squad.
Left, right
-Chuck, have some couth. -Yeah, it's just breasts and bottoms, damn!
Hey! Hey!
My mom bought those for me!
-One time! One time! -Why are you like that?
You pretty.
She's perfect.
Move. Move. Move. What are you doing, sitting in my section?
You hungry? Wanna offer pizza? Let me offer some for you.
Home is down with your man. Stay out of my section, all right?
Losers sit over there, to the left!
What are you, a big fake?
Alvin?
-Alvin! -The deal is off.
Just go. Go be with your friends while they still claim you.
Come down out of that tree.
We still have a lot of time to pretend we're friends.
And unlike some people, l keep my promises.
You mean, unlike Dru?
Are you okay? Alvin?
You know, these next two weeks, if it's any consolation...
...are probably gonna be the happiest memories of my life.
You can't be serious.
Alvin, we've had one rejection after another.
Now, are those the kind of victories you really want in life?
No, not really.
Then l say we do something about it.
Come on.
What happened to your hair?
Probably need to roll your pants up just a little bit.
Oh, see, these is Sean John.
So l gotta get my swing on.
Son, what has happened to your priorities?
Oh, no, see, it was all about what was under the hood.
Now l'm trying to be on top of the hood.
Because l'm a baller-tician...
...on a mission. Holler.
Urkel has gone gangster.
Probably need to go in here, say something to this boy.
Here we go.
Your mother wants me to talk to you about what's gotten into you.
But what l wanna talk about is who you're getting into.
What is that, boy? What is that?
You'll need more money if you're trying to scratch that kitty-cat.
Let me help you out, son.
Thanks, Dad.
Boy, been waiting a long time for that right there. And that's not all.
Got it for you right here.
Yeah.
Dad, l think l still have a few left from the boxful you gave me last night.
Boy, you won't use these cheap suckers right here. These is for practice.
Come here, let me show you what l'm talking about. Sit down right there.
Listen to me. You gotta be able to know how to do this...
...with the ease of a true player.
Because nothing kill a mood quicker than you sitting up there wrestling...
...trying to get your raincoat on your little rascal.
Now, go on, open one of them, right there.
Take your time.
Work with it. There.
Okay.
That was good, son. That was real good. Two problems.
Number one, too slow, girl probably asleep.
Second problem, you used two hands.
You a Johnson. We one-hand people.
Make you look a lot smoother.
Here we go.
Little rusty, that's all.
Sorry about that, boy.
l want you to practice unrolling one.
No, don't worry about that. You a Johnson.
l got you, right here.
Go on, slide that on there.
You practice on that right now. l'll be right back.
Here we go, right here.
All the practicing in the world ain't gonna do you good...
...if you kill too much time and you lose the mood.
l'm about to give you my number one, smooth-groove jam...
...guaranteed to set the mood just like you need it.
Stay with me, boy. This big.
Go on, feel it.
Come on, now, you're Clarence Johnson's boy.
Wet your lips.
Gotta get them wet. Go on.
You got them wet like that? Now, there it is.
You know what? She wants you now.
You're a Johnson man. All you got to do is lay back...
...let her come on into your world. Let her slide right on up on the kitchen.
Because you fixed to start cooking. Oh, yeah.
Just go to work. When you hold her, got to get her like that.
She starts sliding right on down where you got to have it.
Get up under there. lt's all good for you.
Then you make your move. You slide around on her.
Then you're in control. Lock on. Here we go!
Along for the ride, baby!
You gonna learn to scratch that kitty-cat and you're gonna love it!
You can run but you can't hide!
That's why they call you Johnson!
ls that what you're teaching our son?
The boy going to get some.
The boy been working hard trying not to go crazy.
Maybe you ought to just let the boy have some fun.
ls that our song?
Sounds like it to me.
Really?
Watch out, now. Let me help you with that.
-Hold up, might need a little rope. -Daddy, don't you do it.
-Paris? -lt's her mother.
God. Get up out of my bushes! What is your problem?
-Are you okay? -l'm cool.
You were just here. Did l forget to pay you last week?
-No, actually-- -Hey, Mom. l'm out of here.
Love you, see you.
Sorry.
These kids.
So you know all this stuff about cars.
Now, you mean, you've never thought about getting one of your own?
Not to brag or anything, but l was chosen as one of three finalists...
...in the General Motors Young Engineers Competition.
lt's for a full-ride scholarship.
Dang! Look at you.
Here l am sweating you, player, about not having a car...
...and you know how to make one.
l hope you win.
Yeah.
l think l definitely could have won.
You know, the design was great, it ran awesome.
lt just needed a stronger, lighter camshaft.
What, am l missing something? How come you didn't go out and buy one?
lt cost $ 1500.
Are you serious?
There's still a chance.
And if not, hey, l got all my life to be an engineer.